Baggage, The Blank Slate, and the Words of Whitman

          From kindergarten up until a year or two ago, I was set on going to Stanford and becoming a successful lawyer. I was keen on dominating the court room and becoming passionate in the inter-workings of people, words and powerful ideas.
         
         The past few years, though, life hit me hard, and I came to look at myself harshly, deeming myself unworthy for things of greatness of any sort. I thought myself ignorant, slow, unqualified, unmotivated, ugly, and worst of all, insignificant... even, at times, non-existent.
         
          I crashed and burned and folded in on myself. I read and wrote and sang, but more often than not, I could be found in the dark in some corner of my room: knees folded, arms encircling them, head tucked in between, bawling over my lack of use.
         
          I felt such great sadness for the prospect of not being able to give back to the world, for not having anything to show for the gifts bestowed upon me. I even acknowledged the fact that my crying was a show of weakness, a lack of proper respect for TIME and the fact that I was wasting it, and a LOT of it. I felt anxious. Fast, I had to move fast. I couldn't. I was stuck. I was sick all the time from stress and ill thought and lack of sleep imposed on myself BY myself. I would lend out a helping hand to the ones I loved, be it to watch my brothers or help a friend with a paper, or to exist as an open heart and listening ear. I was weak, though, but I was too ashamed to admit it. I denied defeat even though my parents and my friends and my teachers could see glimmers here and there of my drowning in my own pool of self-doubt and pity and emotional wreckage.

          I would like to say that one day I woke up and the sun shone and that everything was okay, but it wasn't. It was a series of days and weeks and months that required a living, breathing effort. It was a process, like that of writing. It was the transformation not only of an attitude and a supposed "truth", but a mind. The beauty in the breakdown was that anything could be sprung up in such rubble. New bridges and connections and aspirations and ideas of what happiness and purpose really meant.

          "Transformation, not Transaction." "It's not always about the destination, but the journey." That sort of thing.

          Nowadays, life is as crazy and busy as before, but through experience and full-fledged effort in being self-aware, through the reading of Leaves of Grass by Walt Whitman and Tess of D'Urbervilles and Speaker For The Dead and White Oleander and many many many other books, through the watching of hundreds upon hundreds of films, through the composition and immersion of thousands of songs, I have grown more appreciative and, hopefully, more optimistic than ever before. Without denying the darkness of the world, I recognize the points of light that peak out here and there, the people that are beautiful and whole. I have learned what it is to be whole, what it truly means to be WHOLESOME.

          A blank slate is what college will be for me, a new life away from the one I have thus far lived. Much like my personal statement, I was a baby. Then, I was a child. Then, I was a teenager. I do not pretend to be an adult. I am still a child. A child I am, but not for long. I look forward to putting myself to good use, to letting in all the light of others through the cracks that are my glorious faults!

       
 ~As my next post, I will quote what I deem to be beautifully useful and relate-able lines from various authors (:

COMMENT DOWN BELOW YOU WONDERFUL PEOPLE!

          

It's Just life

After many all these years at High School I thought was armed with everything I needed to conquer the working world, knowledge of what to expect, an understanding of what’s ahead and the ability to get by. While all of that got me here, I don’t think it prepare me for life. Now I wish I just listened. You know that old saying, "Keep it safe” Well it sucks. Applying myself to colleges has shown that you have to get of your comfort zone. And it frustrating been tron apart by staying safe away from failure and going out there and stepping in to life. Buts its best of we do. I starting to learn it doesn't matter how you get your foot in the door, it only matters what you do with the opportunity when it happens. But unfortunately life is not always fair. You may not always get what you want. It’s hard to know you may not get into college. It’s terrifying how hard it can be to try so hard and then lose.

One thing that can literally save you is money. Each dream that you want can happen with money. While money is not everything, it can get you into college. You have to be prepared to waste money. Something I am not too happy with. A good reason/excuse why I start to think community is better for me. I don’t see or my family financially stable for me to go to 4-year. Because of all this stress we all need to remember to relax. Make sure that in your downtime, at home, we aren’t stressing about colleges constantly. Yes it’s stress full, but it has to be done. Just don’t kill yourself over it. One thing I need to do it stay on track about is to not lose heart, just push on. I need to not become distracted with what everyone else is doing, stay focused on my own goals, stick to my lane and the rest will sort itself out. Hopefully.

Elbow's Revising with Feedback

In the past, when I'd seek someone to revise my paper I mainly had in mind for them to make grammatical corrections and reply with things like "oh this sentence sound a little awkward" or "maybe you could move this sentence here". Those were the main responses I expected when would pass my paper to someone to be revised. However, while studying the chapter "Revising with Feedback", I came to realize the importance of the comments from my peers not regarding the flow or my grammar, comments I often times looked over and didn't really consider. Elbow explains how when someone else is reading your paper, you should be more interested in the revisers opinion and thoughts rather than your message you where trying to deliver in you essay.

 I know it sound strange not to focus on you focal message when that is the purpose of writing, but by listening to others opinions you will be able to understand how outsiders may disagree and that way you can better construct your paper to defend your message. When righting a paper, you are not only sending a message or making a statement. You are defending that this idea and the reasons behind it are comprehendible and true.

I Don't Know

For a while I was sure of what I wanted to do as my career. Until I was questioned about it and I was not content with what my answers had been. So I was stuck and I decided to ask for advice from the people who I deem as wise. I received wonderful advice from our lovely teacher Ms. Fletcher and others who were or are currently in the college proccess. A lot of it was very helpful, especially the short and simple "don't mess up." But I have come to a realization that no matter how much advice I get, no one is going to know what the best major for me is or what I should do with my life. All anyone can really do it just speak from their own experiences and hope that they help someone else. As for me I have to go with the flow and do what I think I want to do and even though I am not sure about what I want I have the freedom to experiment with my life. I want to try new things, go to different places, but most of all I want to be independent. I was able to come to this obvious conclusion with the help of Elbow's writing without thinking. I really can say that these presentations benifited me. I know that with time everything will all fall into place and things will be good, thanks fletch.

Blind read-arounds

            I remember the first time that I heard Ms. Fletcher say the words blind read-around.  You know where people in the class sit and read what you have written (in this case our personal statements).  Freaking out I remember looking at everyone sitting at my table with this oh no she did not just say that look.  I was already freaking out with the people sitting at my desk read my personal statement now other people were going to read it. I know I’m not the only one who remembers it I’m pretty sure there where others out there who felt the same way that I felt. 

I remember thinking great people are going to sit around and judge my writing, what if it sucks, what if I make no sense. There were so many things going through my head at that moment.  I thought that I was going to dread the times that we had to have blind read-arounds.   

Now I have no problems with blind read-arounds.  I see them as an advantage; they help me out a lot.  Blind read-arounds help me out a lot.  They help me to see what it is that I need to do to improve my writing.  I get feedback on what I need to add, take out, grammar errors, or anything else that needs to be fixed.  Not only does it help me on making improvements I receive complements on my writing.  People that read my writing were telling me that I had great details in my writing and that it helped them to read my writing more clearly.  I’m glad that we had these blind read-arounds for our personal statements because to me they helped a lot. 

AF: Common App Glitches

Here is an article about the glitches in the Common App this year!

F for F***

And if you are one of those people who is reading this just because there was a four letter word in the title that started with the letter F then shame on you, although that was my purpose. Tee hee. Well, F actually stands for five; five things to think about when going or applying to college/university. 1. Do not procrastinate! Procrastination seems to have become a growing epidemic. It is the most bitter sweet thing you could ever do. 2. Do not stress out about your major. If you are not sure apply with undecided. You will have time to thinks things through as we approach the end of the year and you can always change it. 3. Don't overwhelm yourself! Take on projects or deadlines that you can meet. The struggle should not be real.

4. Have a positive outlook. Do not let yourself be taken over by pessimist ideas or thoughts. If you think you will fail a test or not get into your dream school then it can really affect your mood, learning process, and over all personality by lowering your self confidence. But then again don't become an extreme optimist because that can cause you to become lazy and believe that everything will always work out in your favor.

5. Be good to yourself! Do not deprive yourself of sleep, food, and leisure. Incorporate the right amounts of work and me time. You learn best when you have a full stomach and enough sleep. Do not over do it. Find a balance and keep it that way. Composure is key.